“There is nothing worse than having my words turned around on me,” a young woman told me during a recent individual counseling session. Kate had been coming for couples counseling for three months, and was quite frustrated with the lack of progress.

“He’s coming for counseling,” she continued, “but I don’t believe he really thinks any of the problem is his. He acts nice during the counseling session, but he reverts back to his old self after we get home.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

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“When I decided to come to this Eating Disorders Therapy Group, I didn’t think it was going to be this hard,” the young woman said to me with more than a hint of disappointment in her voice.

More than forty pounds overweight, feeling disgusted with her body image and discouraged about yo-yo dieting, she came to the group hoping for a miracle.

“It seems like letting go of these stupid habits ought to be easier,” a man added with disgust. Having struggled for years with obesity, he too wanted a miracle. Read the rest of this entry »

Denial can be a good thing—in very small doses. Who wants to come home from work at the end of a long, wearying day and be faced with every family problem that occurred throughout the day? Or face every little difficulty percolating below the surface of your relationship? Not me, that’s for sure. I’d rather just whistle and pretend the problems aren’t there. Ignorance is bliss.

There is, however, a time when denial is not good. There is a time when denial and avoidance are like listening to distant elephants, believing they’re far away on the distant horizon, of no immediate threat, only to find them parading through your living room making a very stinky mess.

We all have our distant elephants—things we avoid talking about, but have negative effects on our relationships. These are issues that are easily avoided or minimized. However, these issues cannot continually be avoided without painful consequences. A couple came to see me recently and their story is a good example of whistling Dixie.

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Who hasn’t forgotten that their wife had a big deadline? Or perhaps you yelled at your husband unnecessarily, forgetting that he’d told you he had a late meeting at the office. Maybe you forgot your wedding anniversary or that it was your turn to pick up the kids from soccer practice. Mistakes happen.

These mistakes, dealt with immediately and remedied, cause little if any permanent damage. But, there are other mistakes that occur consistently over time and, like fine fabric left out in the weather, will easily tear apart under pressure. These are the mistakes we want to avoid. In future columns we will introduce nine critical mistakes. Today we will look at the first critical mistake.

Stop pushing the plunger.

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Jack and Barbara were happily married —once upon a time. However, their seven year marriage spiraled inexorably downward as conflicts tore them apart. They chipped away at one another about finances, discipline of their three children and frequency of intimacy. When angry she often used biting word, and he slammed doors and spun out of the driveway. Finally, Jack decided to end their turmoil by moving out.

I counseled Jack as he vacillated between signing divorce papers and thoughts of reconciliation. I watched as he struggled to move forward with his life. His left brain methodically plotted out the course of his life while his right, and more emotional side, lost footing and settled into an enduring sadness. Letting go of his marriage was not as easy as signing the rental agreement on an apartment across town.

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