It’s comical, annoying and tragic, all at the same time—teenagers and their attachment to tech gadgets, that is. Actually, it’s not only tech gadgets—it’s social networking such as MySpace, Facebook and other forms of instant messaging.

While many of us thought this all would be a disappearing craze, the use of gadgetry to maintain constant contact with friends appears to be with us for a while. So parents, you’d better become familiar with the technological world and its trappings.

Why are parents concerned? Because many teenagers can’t seem to put their cell phone down. They walk with it, eat with it and of course, talk with it. At times they seem more attached to talking on their phones than talking to friends in person. What’s up with that?

Consider this email from a concerned mother:

Dear Dr. David. I have a question/dilemma – how does a parent regulate a teen’s phone, iTouch, laptop, and TV usage during the summer? My two teens are 14 and
16. The 16-year-old will begin his first job on Tuesday, working evenings. Summer in Texas is too hot to do many outdoor activities. Yard work can only be done early morning or late evening. Complaints/bugging persist if an electronic item goes away, or they just
spend more time on the others. HELP ! Are there any ideas out there?

Your concerns are understandable. There are thousands of parents with similar concerns. Here are a few guidelines to consider using with your teens.

First, remember who is in control. Your teens should never dictate how much time they spend on computers, cell phones or television. While they want technological entertainment 24/ 7, you decide the limits. Don’t get into the position of allowing your teens to “nag you into submission.” You’ll regret it and wish you had been tougher, sooner.

Second, there really are some ‘reasonable’ amounts of time to be spending in front of the television and on their computers/ cell phones—but they stem from your values. Some families have decided to ban the television from their homes completely, finding the merits of television to be limited. Many have decided to control television usage and programming, again reflecting family values. Many have also made rules about putting cell phones away when they come into the home at night or at least limited the amount of time spent on them.

Third, use of television and other gadgetry should be tied to responsible use—and general behavior. Teenagers are not entitled to the use of television, computers or cell phones—though they may act as if they are. You as parents are to instruct them in the use of these tools, and how to use them responsibly. Consider tying their use to other responsible behavior in the home and school. Additionally, the way you teach them about the responsible use of these technological instruments may be the way they use them in later life.

Solomon reminds us, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22: 6) These challenges are all opportunities for teaching your children responsibility. Begin setting limits when your children are young, long before they reach their teens. You’ll have earned their respect by the time they are of the age to acquire and participate in online activities.

Fourth, model responsible behavior. Many teens are simply acting in ways that have been modeled for them by their parents. Too many parents operate their lives by, ‘Do as I say, not as I do.’ This is no way to effectively teach your children. Model moderation for them in your use of television, computer and cell phone use. Model the observance of laws, including laws about the use of cell phones while driving.

Finally, these gadgets are not positive or negative, but how they are used is critical. These devices can be tools for learning as well as fun. If teens see parents using them effectively, as well as understanding their use is tied to responsible living in other areas of their lives, all can be well. If they understand that texting while driving will be immediate grounds for cell phone removal, they will learn quickly about responsible use. If parents use boundaries with enforceable consequences, use of these devices and time spent on computers will be means to teach responsible behavior.

I’d like to hear how you are setting enforceable limits with your teen when it comes to use of cell phones, computers and television. Write to me at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com

“He’s coming for counseling,” she continued, “but I don’t believe he really thinks any of the problem is his. He acts nice during the counseling session, but he reverts back to his old self after we get home.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“You see the best side of him,” Kate said emphatically. “He really can be a nice guy. That’s why I married him. But, he complains about the cost of counseling, feels like we’re ganging up on him and thinks I’m making too big a deal out of it. He wants the problems to just go away. He accuses me of making the problems bigger, and I think he is dismissing me. It’s driving me crazy.”

“I’ve actually noticed some of that in our couples work,” I said reassuringly. “Doug seems uncomfortable with your feelings, and does seem to want the problem to just go away.”

“But it’s more than that,” Kate protested, gesturing to make her point. “He blames me for making the problem worse. He accuses me of being the ‘troublemaker.’ He loses his temper and then blames me for making him angry. I’m sick of this marriage and don’t know what to do. When I threaten to leave, he accuses me of not being dedicated to the marriage. He doesn’t see that his actions create this reaction in me!”

I watched Kate sink further into her chair. Tired and worn, she looked ten years older than her thirty years. Her complaints were an echo of a growing number of emails and phone calls, where many women, and some men, are tiring of their marriage.

“I call that being ‘CrazyMaker crazed’ and it’s no fun,” I said. “Working on your marriage takes something out of you because you feel a lack of ownership with your husband. Is that right?”

“Yes!” Kate said with exasperation.

“These are character issues and must be carefully rooted out of the relationship. It also suggests denial on Doug’s part. He isn’t accepting responsibility for his part in this CrazyMaking dance.”

“How do we get him to see it if he’s in denial?” Kate asked. “I don’t know that I have the motivation to keep trying. He exhausts me.”

“Unfortunately, Kate,” I explained. “This is slow, hard work. Denial is a way of viewing the world we create so as to not feel bad about ourselves. Doug needs this denial to be able to avoid not look closely at his character issues. It will take slow, hard work for him to gain insight into these patterns, and own them and change them.”

Talking to Kate reminded me of another woman with similar complaints.

Dear Dr. David. I’m tired of my marriage. I didn’t know marriage was going to turn out this way, and had I known my husband was going to be like this, I might not have gotten married.

I’ve been married for thirty years, and I now realize I’ve played a part in enabling a very dysfunctional relationship. I tiptoe around my husband because I’m afraid of his moods and anger. I turned off my feelings a long time ago, and now I’m depressed. I’ve been in counseling and realize that if I turn my feelings back on, I’m probably going to feel even more angry and resentful. Besides that, I’m not sure at all that my husband wants to change. In fact, he blames me for all of our problems, and sees himself as a wonderful husband.

I feel confused and lost. How do I begin to work my way out of this depression? What if my husband has no interest at all in seeing his part of our problems? I’m drowning. Please help.

Both Kate and the woman writing this email feel exasperated. At times they feel even worse—discouraged and doubtful anything will really change. Unless they see hope, they are vulnerable to slipping into depression.

What hope can be offered to the “CrazyMaker Crazed?” Sadly, there are no quick fixes or easy remedies. Everything I propose requires depth counseling and serious, invasive treatment. Many are not willing to take such a serious review of their relationship, but that is what’s needed. Consider these steps of action:

First, take responsibility for your life. There is a saying that goes, “Things don’t change, we do.” That is certainly true. This is your life and your marriage, and waiting for change to occur is futile. Change must occur if you really want your circumstances to be different, and that change must begin with you.

Second, learn about dysfunctional, crazymaking relationships. While it is true that every relationship has some degree of dysfunctionality to it, some are pathologically unhealthy. In my book Dealing with the CrazyMakers in Your Life, I help you understand what makes a relationship healthy and unhealthy. Knowing the difference can be a lifesaver for you.

Third, understanding crazymaking, you must learn to identify it, label it, and set boundaries on it. The Scriptures tell us to be wise and discerning, and certainly this is one area of your life where you must become very insightful. Become well-acquainted with crazymaking tactics so you are no longer “crazed,” but equipped to identify and create a plan of action for them.

Fourth, insist on change. The worst mistake you can make is to remain “crazed” and in DENIAL—which means Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying. Insist that your mate join you in depth couples counseling to root out these debilitating patterns. Learn together to recognize the “thinking errors” that form the basis of crazymaking relationships.

Fifth, expect resistance. Believing your mate will dive into this invasive counseling process will leave you disillusioned. Expect resistance. Watch for excuses, arguments, displaced anger and more thinking errors. Still, insist on change. Insist specifically on staying engaged in the change process.

Finally, stay the course. These problems, often rooted in childhood patterns of dysfunctionality, can be changed, but won’t be eradicated easily. You must rely on your own determination and God’s supernatural humbling of character. You must prepare yourselves for invasive emotional surgery and trust that “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.” (Philippians 1: 6)

I’d love to hear what has helped you stay the course in a challenging change process.

More than forty pounds overweight, feeling disgusted with her body image and discouraged about yo-yo dieting, she came to the group hoping for a miracle.

“It seems like letting go of these stupid habits ought to be easier,” a man added with disgust. Having struggled for years with obesity, he too wanted a miracle.

After completing my book, Breaking Everyday Addictions and having spent time as the psychologist on a drug and alcohol inpatient unit, I knew it was time to apply my knowledge of addictions to people suffering from eating disorders. I wasn’t prepared, however, for their resistance to change.

“You don’t understand how hard it is to change,” another woman said angrily, after explaining how her lap band surgery had been a disappointment. Looking at me, eyeing my body, she then challenged me.

“Since you’ve probably never had an eating disorder, I doubt you can understand what it’s like to fear food, enjoy using laxatives and diuretics, and wish for anorexia.

“You’re absolutely wrong about that,” I said frankly. “I’m an addict, too. I’ve struggled for years with work and approval addiction. I attended a recovery group for seven years. My addiction nearly killed me. I’ve relapsed and paid the consequences.”

For a moment there was a silence in the group. Then the woman persisted.

“But, anyone who hasn’t had an eating disorder can’t possibly understand what we’re going through,” she continued. “It’s just about impossible to change our habits.”

“No, it’s not impossible to change your habits and you must get beyond feeling misunderstood and victimized,” I shared. “We’re all addicts to one thing or another. Everyone can understand to a certain extent. Everyone feels teased and tempted by their addiction. It is terribly hard to change, and accepting that is an important part of recovery. It may never be easy.”

“It still doesn’t seem fair,” another woman added.

“Your addiction is to food,” I shared. “Many of my clients are addicted to drugs or alcohol or gambling or sex. They don’t think it’s fair either. We all come to our addictions through different means,” I said. “Some have hereditary predispositions. Others were raised in an environment that fostered a particular addiction. Some simply began experimenting with a substance or process, thinking they were safe, and ended up trapped. They continued their destructive habits until the habits became more powerful than them. But, we can’t camp on feelings of unfairness. We’re not victims and we must take responsibility for our recovery.”

Again, stillness fell over the group as they considered my words. They had come to my group secretly looking for more quick fixes, the kind offered on glossy television ads.

· “Lose a pound a day for thirty days.”

· “Drink your way to being thin.”

· “Everything you need to know to look the way you want by Christmas.”

· “Seven secrets to being thin for life.”

And on it goes. Simple solutions that always disappoint. Quick fixes that never fix, and are never quick. Empty promises.

How could I share the truth that no one wants to hear: that healthy eating, a healthy body image, and healthy exercise habits are the only path to healthy living. How would I tell them again that the path to healing would be difficult, not easy? Every step was likely to be challenging, but we would share our experience, strength and hope to healing change.

Perhaps the most difficult step in any addiction recovery process is facing the truth—we’re all addicts. But the Scriptures offer hope: “The truth will set you free.” (John 8: 32) Addictions are filled with lies:

· “I can keep doing what I’ve always done.”

· “I’m not doing anything too hurtful.”

· “I’m not hurting anyone but myself.”

· “There is a magic pill or answer that will solve everything.”

· “Faith alone will heal me.”

But, these are lies—destructive, harmful lies. They are part of the DENIAL—Don’t Even Notice I Am Lying—that keeps us trapped in our addiction. Since truth sets us free, lies keeps us trapped. That there are no quick fixes. Recovery is a lifelong, challenging process—for everybody.

There is another powerful tool that every addict must face—surrender. We must give up the illusion that we’re in control, our lives are manageable, and someone will come along and rescue us from ourselves. We must surrender childish beliefs that recovery is easy. We must stop avoiding the difficult work of recovery, resisting what is challenging and secretly hoping for magical answers. Freedom comes after we surrender and accept the fact that we must do the hard work of recovery. We must attend meetings, call friends, enrich our spiritual lives, read about and understand our particular addiction and be held accountable.

If you’re struggling from an eating addiction or some other process/ substance addiction, recovery is possible but won’t be simple. Recovery will get easier as you uncover the lies you tell yourself, wrestle with the self-destructive habits that keep you hooked on your “stuff,” and as you reach out for support to change old habits. You don’t need to live alone with your secrets, especially the ones you know are killing you.

So, here’s the deal: let’s all hold hands and promise not to judge each other for our secrets. Let’s take turns admitting our self-destructive habits, offering encouragement and constructive feedback. Let’s end enabling, pretending we’re not dying when you know we are. Armed with honesty, healthy tools and determination, we can live beyond addictions. Gathering in our Celebrate Recovery/ AA/ NA/ GA/ OA community support groups, we allow God to loosen the chains of addiction.

Finally, remember: “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and love and of a sound mind.” (II Timothy 1: 7)