Are You Whistling Dixie in Your Marriage?
· Thursday March 8, 2007 by Dr. David B. Hawkins
Denial can be a good thing—in very small doses. Who wants to come home from work at the end of a long, wearying day and be faced with every family problem that occurred throughout the day? Or face every little difficulty percolating below the surface of your relationship? Not me, that’s for sure. I’d rather just whistle and pretend the problems aren’t there. Ignorance is bliss.
There is, however, a time when denial is not good. There is a time when denial and avoidance are like listening to distant elephants, believing they’re far away on the distant horizon, of no immediate threat, only to find them parading through your living room making a very stinky mess.
We all have our distant elephants—things we avoid talking about, but have negative effects on our relationships. These are issues that are easily avoided or minimized. However, these issues cannot continually be avoided without painful consequences. A couple came to see me recently and their story is a good example of whistling Dixie.
Dan and Shelly seemed like a nice couple, coming to their initial appointment holding hands and smiling warmly. He was a robust man who wore cowboy boots, a bright silver buckle, and a long sleeve Western shirt. The only thing missing from his ensemble was the hat. His handshake and greeting were generous. His demeanor carried none of the reluctance most men bring to their first counseling session.
Shirley was equally warm and friendly. She was modestly built, with big blond hair down to her shoulders and a brightly colored skirt. Her red lipstick matched her fingernails.
Gene and Shirley were both on their second marriage. Their intake sheet noted they had “a few small problems” they wanted to work on. Their first marriages had been lengthy, ending when their spouses left for someone else. Filled with bitterness and distrust, both remained single for several years until meeting at their church’s singles group where it was “love at first sight.”
Now in their late forties, Dan and Shelly obviously cared about one another. Openly affectionate, they approached their session as if nothing was seriously wrong, and I began with that point of view as well—though my opinion soon changed.
“So tell me what has brought you here,” I said.
“Well,” Shelly began tentatively, smiling at Dan. “We have a wonderful relationship. But I think Gene may have a problem.”
“Not as far as I’m concerned,” Gene replied, smiling back at her, a twinkle in his eye. “I don’t think it’s anything we can’t solve, but Shirley insisted we come here for a session or two. I’ll see a shrink if my sweetheart wants me too.”
I sat quietly, growing more suspicious as to why they were here. I waited for them to address the real issue, but both appeared reluctant to share anything. Finally, I broke the silence.
“So, what is this problem that needs our attention?”
“Dan likes to play blackjack at the casino,” Shelly blurted. “Ever since the new casino was built down the road, he’s their best customer. I think it’s a problem. He doesn’t.”
“Once a week or so I like to stop by The Lucky Eagle and play cards,” Dan offered firmly. “I keep my spending under control. It’s been a bit more lately but I can cut it back.”
“Is that all of it?” Shelly asked.
“It is for me,” Dan said tersely, now revealing his testy side. “I told you it is no big deal and I can cut back any time I want. And I will.”
“Remember three weeks ago when I called you on your cell at eleven o’clock, and you were still playing cards?”
Dan bristled.
“When was the last time I spent my paycheck at the tables? Like I said, this is nothing we can’t work out ourselves.”
Shelly looked at me, wincing. “Does it sound like we might have a problem to you?”
“It certainly sounds like there might be a more serious problem here than either of you has admitted. I think we should look a little closer.”I spent the rest of the session exploring their relationship and “the problem.” What I discovered surprised me.
Dan appeared to be a gambling addict. He not only liked to play blackjack, as he originally admitted, but was also at the race track on many Saturdays. Reluctantly, he admitted that he had spent numerous paychecks on gambling and that it had played a role in the demise of his first marriage.
Dan’s gradual admission took courage on his part. What was more surprising, however, was Shelly’s posture toward him. As soon as he began to admit a greater problem, her concern for his gambling seemed to lessen. She said he had not spent his paycheck on gambling in the past month, going out of her way to avoid being critical of his behavior and defending his ability to control himself.
Shelly’s behavior shocked me. The more I confronted Dan, the more she came to his rescue. The more I indicated there might be a serious problem, the more she backtracked. She clearly enabled his addiction. She allowed the elephants to parade through her home, pretending they were still off in the distance.
As you listen to Shelly and Dan, perhaps you can see elements of their relationship in your marriage. You may be able to see how you have traits, like Shelly, of codependency—which is any attempt to ignore, and thereby reinforce, another’s weaknesses. This, of course, only makes matters worse. Dan needs immediate help, but will not likely volunteer to get it because of denial. Shelly, because of her own denial and codependency, fears forcing the issue. She enjoys the special attention he gives her, and fears rocking the boat. However, unless they face this problem, and quite whistling Dixie, they will undoubtedly have more serious problems in the days ahead.
Christ taught much about seeking peace with others, but also taught about breaking out of denial. He said that it was important to “speak the truth in love,” (Eph. 4: 15) and that “the truth shall set you free.” (John 8:32) His message challenges us to be honest instead of mincing words. We must occasionally look our mates in the eye and say we are unhappy with the way things are. We dare not approve of their excessive drinking, spending, work, drug use, deception, and yes, even avoidance of conflict. We cannot sit with the silence any longer. It’s time to talk!
Take a moment with your mate and answer these questions:
·What are the topics we avoid?
·Why do you think we avoid them?
·What can we do to make it safer to talk about the tough issues?
·Is there any action we must take to end certain problems in our lives?
·How will we hold each other accountable for change?
Now, quit whistling Dixie, take a clear and honest look at the elephants parading through your home, and make a commitment together that you will practice speaking the truth in love. Even if it hurts! Solve problems. It’s better than waking up one day to stinky elephants lounging in your living room.
Nine Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make
· Sunday August 13, 2006 by Dr. David B. Hawkins
Who hasn’t forgotten that their wife had a big deadline? Or perhaps you yelled at your husband unnecessarily, forgetting that he’d told you he had a late meeting at the office. Maybe you forgot your wedding anniversary or that it was your turn to pick up the kids from soccer practice. Mistakes happen.
These mistakes, dealt with immediately and remedied, cause little if any permanent damage. But, there are other mistakes that occur consistently over time and, like fine fabric left out in the weather, will easily tear apart under pressure. These are the mistakes we want to avoid. In future columns we will introduce nine critical mistakes. Today we will look at the first critical mistake.
Stop pushing the plunger.
Stephanie and Tim have been married twelve years and have three beautiful children. By all accounts they are the All-American family. They have survived the tumultuous first years of marriage, made it well beyond the early years of child-rearing, and have purchased a wonderful home with several acres of land where they enjoy raising and riding horses. They have one significant problem: when they fight, they really fight.
Thankfully, this generally happy couple rarely fight. They love one another deeply and are fully committed to each other. They are active members in their church. However, they were embarrassed to tell me, in counseling, that when they fight they use language they would never otherwise use, slam doors and make threats against one another. Stephanie has thrown dishes and Tim has broken the door jamb. They even pushed one another on one occasion. While they have vowed many times to stop this behavior, they say, “Our anger gets the best of us. When we’re mad, we’re likely to say anything.”
“I am really embarrassed at how I behave,” Tim said. “I don’t act like that with anyone other than my wife. I never lose my temper, not even with my kids, and they can push me to the limit. But, with Steph I want to make my point and feel she’s not listening to me. So, I know it sounds stupid, but I just yell louder. She yells at me and I yell louder.”
“It’s not just him,” Stephanie chimed in. “I act crazy. I don’t know what sets me off but I am a fiery redhead. I don’t like to lose. So, if I think what he is saying is nonsense, I tell him so. Of course, he doesn’t like it and there we go.”
Stephanie and Tim may be talking your language. You may be fighting in very destructive ways. Like the miners who push the detonator, sending debris in every possible direction, you may push the plunger on your anger, pushing emotions and language in every possible direction. If this sounds like you and your mate, you must learn some vital skills to avoid this critical mistake.
First, you and your mate must agree to call a time out when emotion starts to run high. The scriptures are clear about the problem with anger. “My dear brother, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires.” (James 1: 19-20) Here the apostle James is clear—two ears to hear, one mouth to speak carefully. We must practice really listening, not pushing our agenda. When emotion runs too high, which happens, you must call a time out and start again when both feel settled.
Second, agree to disagree. You do not have to agree on everything. It is perfectly all right to see things differently. In fact, someone has said that if you agree on everything, one of you is unnecessary. While I won’t go that far, you and your spouse are different people. You were raised differently, are different in skills, education, temperament and sex. In fact, the differences are so great it is a wonder anyone can live together. But, we can, and do, because differences are wonderful. Be careful, however, about demanding that your mate see things the same way you do. It’s not going to happen.
The Apostle James offers another word for us. “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” (James 4: 1-2) Selfishness and pride often stand in the way of giving in to your mate. These are traits that must be managed in a healthy marriage.
Three, stay focused on the real issue. That means, of course, that you must agree ahead of time on the real issue. One topic at a time. While it may be tempting to take side trips from one topic to another, it will only serve to confuse the real issue. Pick a topic and stick with it. It may be helpful to keep a pad and pencil handy to remind yourselves of your starting point, as well as a desired ending.
Finally, find solutions that work for both of you. Remember, rather than engaging in a downward spiral where one person “wins” the other “loses,” how about working on an upward spiral where you both feel like you reached a positive outcome? It takes creative discussions to find agreements that meet both of your needs. One sided victories are very hollow. Finding solutions that work for both of you are wonderful experiences and draw you closer together.
Until we talk again, work on eliminating the first critical mistake from your marriage and replace it with a wonderful solution. Blessings!
Can A Broken Marriage Be Restored?
· Tuesday July 4, 2006 by Dr. David B. Hawkins
Jack and Barbara were happily married —once upon a time. However, their seven year marriage spiraled inexorably downward as conflicts tore them apart. They chipped away at one another about finances, discipline of their three children and frequency of intimacy. When angry she often used biting word, and he slammed doors and spun out of the driveway. Finally, Jack decided to end their turmoil by moving out.
I counseled Jack as he vacillated between signing divorce papers and thoughts of reconciliation. I watched as he struggled to move forward with his life. His left brain methodically plotted out the course of his life while his right, and more emotional side, lost footing and settled into an enduring sadness. Letting go of his marriage was not as easy as signing the rental agreement on an apartment across town.
Talking to Jack, it became clear that he was not finished with his marriage. He had left angry and depleted from years of “unfair fighting.” Although tired of hours of blaming and accusations, he shared, “There was a lot more to our marriage than those times of conflict. I miss her smile, her sense of humor, her tenderness. I miss the way she could make up our home. You ought to see my apartment now. It looks like a train wreck. The macaroni and cheese was no special treat for dinner last night either.”
Jack agonized over the loss of his marriage, wondering if it might be possible to span the incredible gap between he and his wife. We talked about what it would take to bring them back together—not to endure more years of heartache, but to recreate their relationship. We decided to send Barbara a card inviting the possibility of talking. We agreed upon a purpose; opening dialogue with no pressure for reunification. He had changed and his heart was ready to talk again. He sent the card.
Barbara received the card, immediately recognizing his handwriting. She laid the card on the table and prepared a cup of tea. She was surprised at the flutter she felt as she looked at the envelope. She felt an odd mix and annoyance and excitement. Would this be a welcoming note, she wondered, or possibly another one of Jack’s scoldings for the way she had handled some situation with the children? She slowly opened the note. The card had a picture of autumn leaves in golds and browns with the words, “A Season of Hope.” Inside, Jack had written a note.
“Barbara. Time seems to have tamed a lot of emotions. I am surprised at how I feel compared to how I felt three months ago. I am not sure what I want to say, but would like to begin talking with you again. My heart is softer. I can see where I was wrong, and have no need to blame or attack you. I wonder if you feel the same. I wonder if you have second thoughts about our marriage. Would you like to talk? I will call you in a few days to see if you want to meet for a cup of coffee. A latte can cure a lot of ills. Love, Jack.”
Today Jack and Barbara are talking about reconciliation. With them, and perhaps with you, it requires careful consideration. Solomon says, “When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider.” (Eccl. 7:14) These are certainly times requiring careful consideration. But, what should you consider? Here are a few suggestions:
- Are you overreacting to times of trouble? It is tempting, when times are bad, to believe that everything is bad. When emotions are high, things get blown out of perspective. Battle lines are drawn and enemies are made. One must be careful to keep things in perspective. Love blossomed powerfully once and can again;
- Have you considered your part in the problem? While it may be satisfying to blame everything on your mate, playing the victim, this is usually a very simplistic appraisal of the issues. What do you bring to the situation? What are you really like to live with?
- Have you sought out expert advice on your problem? This does not mean talking to friends who are likely to side with you and take up an offense against your mate. It means finding an objective listening ear who will evaluate the full extent of the problem, point out troubling patterns of interaction and ways to handle conflict effectively;
- Have you been careful to fully forgive past problems? Assuming there has been a change in behavior, and a repentant heart, you may need additional work to let go of grudges and anger, remembering forgiveness is a process, not an event; Have you both made amends for past wounds? Making a sincere apology is certainly a beginning, but it may take much more than that. Deep wounds do not heal quickly and often require special counseling assistance;
- Have you remembered that there are no perfect relationships? As you considered throwing out the old in hopes of something new, please remember that the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still needs to be mowed. There will be problems in every relationship and, as the Apostle James says, these problems can be a catalyst bringing us closer to the person Christ wants us to be. (James 1:1-2)
The prospect of reconciliation with someone who has hurt you can be daunting. Perhaps you have moved into a place of calm and safety, and like a startled turtle, are reluctant to poke your nose out again. Consider the story of the prodigal son in Luke 12. After squandering his father’s blessings, he humbly returned home. The father greeted him, immediately forgiving past sins and embraced him again. God does that for us—perhaps you can do that for your spouse. Perhaps it is time to talk. Latte anyone?